Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

For better or worse what went though my head during the game. It ain’t pretty people.

Pre-Game:

A plus with the game being on TBS, no Jeanne Zelasko helmet hairdo and Kevin Kennedy porn-stash.

The baseball gods just could let me have a game without a ‘Buck’ involved. I can only picture Buck Martinez turning from red to purple whenever he would argue with the umps when he managed the Blue Jays. Who is the random dude they got to do the game with him? He looks like a taller Eddie Munster.

Game Time!

1st Inning:

The Sox are 2 outs into the game and I already have that ‘crap, we’re going to lose’ feeling in my stomach.

I’m coining a new phrase: Pulling a Palin. It should be applied to any baseball analyst that rambles on incoherently and veers so far completely off the subject that he ends up telling you how he got indigestion from the steak he ate last night. Tim McCarver, this one’s for you.

What’s better than a Rally Monkey? A FLAMING Rally Monkey! I’m serious; the only way those should be involved in a major league baseball game is if they’re blazing like a Molotov cocktail! Think that’s harsh? You should hear what I want to do with Tampa Bay’s cowbells.

2nd Inning:

OK, for anyone who thinks Don Orsillo’s Light Blue Captain Stubbing sports jacket is bad, the on-field correspondent looks like a Salmon colored Captain Kangaroo with a bad toupee.

Hey, did you hear Jon Lester had Lymphnoma? I thought he had Lymphoma…TBS clearly paid top dollar for their in-game talent.

3rd Inning:

My biggest decision of the night, I have to go to the bathroom in a scoreless game…do I go or wait??? What if I screw up something by leaving the room???? God I can’t take the pressure!!! I’ll just cross my legs for a little while longer.

Someone just pressed the wrong button in the broadcast truck, either that or Jon Bon Jovi just relieved John Lester.

This analyst tandem is about as exciting as standing in line at the DMV. I’ve heard more interesting traffic reports in the morning. This is not good when you’re trying to stay awake for a game that could very well last until 2 in the morning.

Lowery made an error to extend the inning for the Angels…this is bad, very, very bad. By the way, where is Julio Lugo??? Is he sitting on the bench next to Matt Clement and Craig Grebeck?

Told you it was bad…Angels 1-0. Lowery had best atone for this.

4th Inning:

And we have our first male enhancement ad of the night…mazeltov!

Oh, look ‘thunderstix’! Did clapping and chanting for your team become the rotary telephone of cheering?

Dr. Buck Martinez just gave us an in depth analysis of Mike Lowell’s hip, I’m surprised he didn’t share Lowell’s latest proctology exam.

5th Inning:

I got a really bad feeling about this. We can’t score with men on base. What’s scarier is that we don’t have a single player who was red hot at the end of the season to carry their bat into the playoffs. Some one better get hot really soon or we’re screwed. Oh god, I’m gonna be sick.

6th Inning:

What was I thinking when I decided a bottle of wine would be a bad idea for a late night mid-week game?

Just when I was about to throw up, again, Jason Bay comes through with a 2 run homer. He’s not Manny, but he’ll do! And you don’t have to worry about him tripping over his own hair.

A-Rod’s golfing right now….Just thought I’d mention that.

7th Inning:

It’s after midnight and there’s at least 3 innings to go, I hope no one expects me to be coherent at work tomorrow.

If Pedroia gets the MVP this year it will be a victory for short people like me everywhere!!!

With all the candles I have lit, my house is starting to look like the Vatican on a holy day.

8th Inning:

At 12:35 am on a Thursday that Taco Bell commercial for their new taco looked like filet minion.

I’m not feeling too confident with Masterson, wasn’t Oki-data available?

Holy crap! That catch by Ellsbury was insane! I freaked out! My neighbors can’t be too happy, but their dogs wake me up at 5am every morning so I’m calling it a draw.

9th Inning:

I’m preparing to assume the fetal position. Yes, even with a 3 run lead.

It’s after 1 am and I’m looking at about 4 and a half hours of sleep. I hope no one expects me to do any actual work at work tomorrow.

Thank Christ, we won. Now I can find the sweet release of my pillow!