Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

Because I'm continually confusing people when referring to this player being one of my "boyfriends" or that player a "potential boyfriend", etc., etc., I've devised a cheat sheet as to the different levels of professional paramours of mine and examples to help people (and the police who fill out the restraining orders) understand how my obsession works.

Potential Boyfriends:

Theses are usually minor leaguers in Pawtucket who have been September call-ups in the past year or so. They must show serious big league potential and be equally fetching in a Sox uniform. Any minor leaguer caught doing Kung-fu moves on members of the opposing team will be immediately bypassed. The most important thing to remember about the potential boyfriends is that they're usually too young and stupid to sign a prenup!

Best example of a potential boyfriend is Freddy Sanchez: could be the heir apparent to Nomar if his contract is not extended in a year of two, so obviously he's quite talented and he's also cute as a button!!! (even though he looks like he's 12)

Boyfriends:

The criteria for 'boyfriend' status are as follows: 1. Preferably talented on a consistent basis. 2. A nice personality talks to fans, press, etc. And #3, So completely adorable/hot looking that when they have a bad game I don't even care because they look good even when they suck, i.e. Millar and Wakefield. Millar is just a cutie and he can hit and hit big time. He needs to work on the facial hair issues he has but other than that he's too damned adorable to ever get mad at. Wakefield could lob grapefruits gift-wrapped over home plate and I wouldn't care because he's just a hotty...end of story.

A person can have multiple boyfriends at one time, just try to keep it to a minimum or else you may get so distracted that you can't follow a game. If people you talk to get confused when you are referring to multiple boyfriends, simply call them boyfriend #1 and so on.

Future Husband:

The criteria for 'future husband' status is as follows: Your name is Theo and you are the GM of the Red Sox and you can buy me players for all the major holidays ;)