Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

A user's guide to surviving an entire Red Sox/Yankees series with minimal damage to one's self or surroundings.

Everyone knows that when the Satan and his minions come into town the stakes are raised more than when your down to your last $20 and you just got two 8s at the blackjack table...by the way, split the 8s and double down if you show 10 on either hand...but I digress. Often during these series it seems as though the entire fate of mankind and the universe rest on whether a pitch caught the outside corner or not. This kind of tension can be draining, frustrating, and massive MI inducing. In the past series I employed my user tested guide to get me through last weekend without having to explain to the landlord why there's a remote control shaped hole in the wall next to the tv. Follow these instructions and I guarantee to save you hundreds of dollars at Home Depot.

Pregame:

1. Food: Make sure that your fridge is stocked with your favorite comfort items i.e. mac and cheese, ice coffee, and you must have at least 1 pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. The mac & cheese will absorb alcohol, ice coffee will keep you awake for those extra inning games and the Ben & Jerry's is just freakin' yummy!

2. Alcohol: Avoid drinking, as it will only magnify the pain if the Sox walk in the winning run. Remember kids, alcohol only dulls the pain and it doesn't keep Sportscenter from showing the clip 500 times in the span of an hour.

3. Invest in Tivo: No matter how bad the game may get, just rewind that baby to watch Nixon get a homer off of Clemens for the 673rd time in his career.

4. Turn off the Phone: This is more for the sake of the loved one who may think calling to chat when the Yankees have the bases loaded with two outs is ok. This will spare the obscenity-laced tirade you would inflict on them.

Game Time:

4. Breath: Passing out waiting for Burkett to get his fastball across the plate is a bad thing.

5. Mantra: Repeat these words in key situations "I will go on with my life if the Sox leave the based loaded again, I will go on with my life if the Sox leave the based loaded again".

6. Projectiles: You are allowed to throw things across the room provided that are soft objects that will not impale the innocent roommate sitting on the other couch.

7. WEEI: If the game is televised nationally, mute the TV and put WEEI on, otherwise you will be much more likely to kick the TV in after hearing nimrod broadcasters talk about how the Sox approach to OBP sucks, even though we're up by ten runs. Besides, nothing is more comforting than completely biased sports coverage from your hometown guys.

Post Game:

These last steps are very easy to follow according to how the game goes...

If we win:

8. Open the champagne, do the happy dance, and go to bed with a smile on your face and enjoy sweet dreams of Steinbrenner, dressed in a diaper, throwing a temper tantrum.

If we lose:

9. Ignore anything written in Step #2, open a 5th of Jack Daniel's and gulp until empty...repeat as necessary.