Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

You NEED me. No, you really do.

You think Theo’s good? He’s got nothing on me, baby! Think about it…young hometown girl comes from nowhere to become a power chick in the Red Sox organization. I’d be a PR goldmine (if not an HR nightmare, but that’s another story). In short, consider the following my resume…read it, print it, and laminate it because it’ll be worth something someday.

Sure my educational background doesn’t scream MENSA candidate but I was cum laude (thanks to classes in TV Classics and term papers on late eighties hair bands). I was a Mass Communications/Broadcasting major, which meant I was qualified to do nothing upon graduating, but its not like they had Baseball Management in the course catalogue. But do not be mistaken; my degree is not without its merits. I’d be more than willing to manhandle the rabid Boston press. I could stare down a reporter asking an inane question with one eyebrow and can rifle off enough one-liners to keep them giddy with sound bites. Besides, no reporter’s going to mess with me once I put on my sassy pants, on a good day I could talk a priest out of Catholicism.

Being a lifelong fan I know what makes other fans tick. The improvements I have in mind for Fenway pale in comparison to putting seats on the green monster. Don’t raise ticket prices, instead, install Dunkies kiosks every 50 feet. What’s more Boston than ice coffee in the summer? Trust me people will pay $5 for a half decent large iced and not blink, especially considering two beers and a couple for wieners is up to a mortgage payment. I have another idea for a “Win A Ballplayer For The Day” promotion but I have to check into the legality and liability on that one, especially if I enter. This is merely the tip of the iceberg of my ideas but I don’t want everyone stealing them so when we meet I’ll share the rest ;)

Despite formal training in the baseball world I actually posses something a lot Major League owners, general managers, and bored rap millionaires with too much money don’t: common sense. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how to turn a profit with any major sports franchise. All you have to do is follow one simple formula:

Fans + sports team = revenue

Revenue - good players + contender teams = More Fans

More Fans = More Revenue = Summerhouse in Waikiki for you!

I still don’t understand why this equation seems to escape the minds of so many major league team owners. If the owner for the Rangers didn’t deplete his budget for the next quarter century in buying A-rod to field a consistently bad team some people may have actually shown up to the ballpark to watch a mediocre team, although they really should have put a dome in Arlington, come on 130 degrees in the shade, hellllllloooooooo?

So Mr. Henry I think I’ve stated my case amply and will expect to hear from you soon so we can meet in person. You better act soon though, this is a limited time offer, but if you act now I’ll throw in all my neuroses for free.