Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

This is the story of my trek to spring training 2002.

If you’ve never been to spring training before, do it and do it now. I’m not kidding. Pack your bags, book a flight, rent a car, hop a freight train if you have to, but get down there and get there now!!! I can honestly say it was as close to a religious experience as I’ll probably ever have. And for the benefit of your entertainment I will give you the breakdown of mine and Jen’s adventures in Ft. Meyers:

Friday, March 1:

How To Survive Your Fear Of Flying Part 1 - Ok, so if you have a fear of flying, drinking 3 very large glasses of screwdrivers while on the way to the airport will not only quell your fears, but actually make you an amnesiac for a good portion of that trip. I have about 3 recollections of the flight from Boston to Newark. 1. Going to the Dunky Donuts in the airport. 2. Falling outside of Logan while smoking as a State Trooper looked on. 3. Saying “screwdriver” when the flight attendant asked me if I would like a beverage. Oh, and if you have a connecting flight be sure to check how long you have to make the plane BEFORE you go outside for a cigarette. Because I didn’t do this there may be footage of me running/drunkenly staggering down a moving walkway at the Newark Airport that may surface on Fox’s “When Drunk People Fly”. And in a side note make sure to gag your roommate/co-worker because she will tell everyone in the department about how she drove you to the airport at 7am and how you were trashed. This piece of advice will spare you about 20 comments upon your return that go something like this “Soooo…I hear you were toasted before you took off”.

So we land at Fort Meyers and immediately go outside, luggage be damned, for a butt. As we exited through the doors, church bells rang, and hymns were sung in the background as the 85-degree air and sunshine hit us. It’s March and I’m sweating – hallelujah!!!

Driving in the rental car to the hotel…need Dunky Donuts ice coffee…it’s been 10 miles…no Dunky’s?!

We get to the hotel suite that overlooks the clean, fresh smelling ocean. It’s rough but we’re managing. And now we’re on our way to our first Spring Training game!!!

Driving to the ball park…. sure could use that ice coffee…been driving for a while now…still don’t see any Dunky’s…this can’t be right…should my hand be shaking like this?

Get to the City of Palms ballpark. Nice place, they let you come out and go back in for cigarette breaks. Not too many big name players are in this game since they’re only playing Boston College; anyone big left the game by the 3rd inning. It was a good time nonetheless. We did leave a scootch early, as I was hung over and we were both cold and hungry. It was decided that we would begin our stalking tomorrow at the next game. From the park we went to the Beached Whale for dinner. Good food cheap, my favorite kind, I highly recommend it.

Driving back to the hotel…my head aches…hung over…must…have...ice…coffee. For the love of man! Where’s all the Dunky’s at?????…Now passed out from lack of proper caffination.

Saturday, March 2:

We wake up promptly at 8am and open the drapes to the balcony. It’s sunny and warm and I’m in Florida, baby! We take a walk on the pristine beach of the gulf coast. My first reaction to the sand and water, “This sure ain’t Revere Beach, baby!” After sunning ourselves by the pool, we take off for our second game.

Driving to the ballpark….withdrawals have become unbearable…can’t hold out much longer…tires screech, hard right turn…church bells are ringing again…sweet mother of pearl, It’s Dunky Donuts!!!…”I’ll have a large French vanilla ice coffee, extra milk, 3 equals, and god bless your souls.”

After being thoroughly searched by security before entering the ballpark we stop at the souvenir shop. I’m standing next to Tom Werner, very weird. Fight the urge to ask if Ben Cammarata is in the area because I’d like to have words with him. Also fight the urge to latch onto his leg and beg for a job as the new towel girl. After that I firmly plant myself in the front row on the first base line where the boys had stretched before the game last night. Luckily they did the same today. Did I mention that it was 85-degrees and sunny today? I took about 3 rolls of films zooming in to the point of being obnoxious. I can only hope that the pictures come out well. We make our way to our seats. There’s so much white hair around us it looks like a cotton field. All my boys are playing in this game against the Twins!!! I did have a minor fit when I look at my program and see Veritek’s picture sans goatee, luckily Jen assured me that she saw him lift his mask and all facial hair was intact. So we sit for the first 3 innings and then I declare ballplayer-hunting season officially open.

To make a really long story short, Jen managed to get Nomar’s autograph, as well as Johnny Damon’s. Later she was a good sport and got me Mirabelli, Hillenbrand (even though he called her “ma’am”) and Tony Clark’s autographs for me. This was probably a good thing considering what happened when I got my own Johnny Damon autograph…

So I’m standing at this fence that looks out to the back of the stadium taking pictures as my boys walk on by. Suddenly Johnny Damon pops by! I don’t think he would have signed my program had I not looked so pathetic and sun burnt. Afterwards, I was so excited; I started shaking, nearly peed my pants and managed to poke myself in the lip with my bright blue sharpie. Luckily it wiped off before I looked like a total freak. At this point I decided that Jen should probably take over the autograph seeking. But I did try once more and was denied by Manny, but then again I was afraid he would recognize me from when we stalked him in the parking lot at Fenway.

So after we realize I am now burnt to a crisp, we head back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. We decide to go to Belissimo’s. The food was good, but the salads were the best I’ve ever had!!! After the waiter remembered we existed, we got the check and left in search of dessert. I had my first Gellato served by the gelato Nazis who demanded to know what flavor I wanted the second I walked in the door. Apparently they were not aware of my commitment phobic nature. And then I slept.

Sunday, March 3:

I open the drapes to the balcony again. Sun, sand, and warm weather. I’m complicating quitting work and moving to Florida to be a professional beachcomber. Decide against this because I could never live in a city that only has 1 Dunky’s and it’s not even a drive through. So I resigned myself to return to Boston, after all, my boys are only here 6 weeks out of the year.

We decided to do something not sports related for a change and drove out to Sanibel and Captiva Islands. Sadly the drive over the bridge was the best part. Although we did find out the Sea Shell Shows are a big draw down there! Reluctantly, we went for our last lunch in Florida and then return our rental car. We milk the sunshine for as long as we can before we check in at security. Jen got pulled to the side and checked over for weapons 3 times, while drunken me gets to breeze on through.

How To Survive Your Fear Of Flying Part 2 – So here’s the drink count…2 Raspberry Long Islands with lunch, 3 Long Islands at the Bar in the airport, 1 LARGE double screwdriver and 1 single screwdriver at the Drink stand at the gate (probably the single greatest invention in our time). And I was very reserved on the flights home, I only had one drink on one of the flights.

After a delay and almost missing our connection (through no fault of our own this time) we eventually made it back to Boston. Opening Day is April 1st…then me and my boys will be reunited…let the restraining orders ensue!!!