Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

In the history of mankind there has been many a fashion disaster....

There was Adam and Eve with their ode to botany, The John Travolta inspired, disco fever-butterfly collared nightmare, the car wreck that was, is, and always will be Anna Nicole Smith and finally the most grotesque vision on the baseball diamond known to man – the 1980s uniforms of the Houston Astros.

Fashion hits and misses happen in all walks of life (Why do you think E! props up Joan “Leatherface” Rivers for every awards show?) and professional baseball is no exception. The uniforms of my boys of summer have ranged from timeless classics to nightmarish abominations to the good name of color coordination. Therefore I feel it is my patriotic duty to point out what makes or breaks a uniform and exactly why I will never be able to root for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Over the course of time that men have been playing organized baseball there have been many achievements made in the world of textiles. I’m sure that players today relish the fact that they don’t have to stand in 100-degree heat in the middle of July wearing head to toe wool uniforms. Think about it: wool + heat = smelly ballplayers. Can you imagine the smell? Talk about an assault of the olfactory. In modern times players have been wearing the fabric that made wash and wear a reality in the 70’s – polyester. Granted it’s durable and easy to care for, but I still wonder how they are able to stand the heat. I’ve made the mistake of wearing polyester in the summer and it let me tell you the word ‘breathable’ doesn’t come to mind. With all the major scientific advancements in the world, no one could come up with a form fitting, durable, yet soft to the touch and breathable fabric for my boys? For shame!

As rational beings we are generally suppose to learn from our mistakes. Apparently this does not apply to clothing. Let’s take a cringing look back at some of the more horrific ventures in baseball couture, shall we? Starting off small, we’ll look at the stupidest logo ever to emblazon a hat: the goofy looking oriole bird. To watch grown men try to be serious during a high pressure game while they’re wearing a hat with a cartoon-ish bird above their heads was a tad distracting. I’m pretty sure the bird was cross-eyed to boot. Thankfully the club came to their senses and removed it in favor of a more realistic bird. However this move seems lost on Cleveland who is still attached to their little Indian caricature. If they want a caricature, they should put John Rocker’s photo on their uniforms and call it an artist’s interpretation of a homo sapien. I think it’d work.

Bad taste isn’t only applied to logos but whole ensembles. Take for instance the uniforms of the Seattle Mariners in the 80s. Did they have an endorsement deal with Pepsi? Because their light blue uniforms with white trim and yellow lettering looked suspiciously like the Diet Pepsi cans of the same period. Look it up. It’s true. When I was little I kept wondering why the Pepsi vendors were running the bases. Ok, that’s not true, but it was funny, and now that what you’ll think of when you see one of their games on ESPN Classic. They too saw the errors of their ways and have come back with a very respectable uniform, losing the pitchfork looking spear in favor of a compass type of thing and updating their color scheme. There’s only one problem. I can’t seem to be able to figure out if their colors are white, navy, and teal green, or white, navy and aqua blue. It’s one of those things where it depends on who you talk to and you never seem to get the right answer and for no apparent reason keeps me awake at night.

Finally we come to what was probably the most tragic of uniforms was the 1980s Houston Astros I mentioned before. I’m convinced everyone in Texas prayed they would go colorblind during those years. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to combine navy, orange, yellow and white in horizontal stripes should be hung by their leisure suit. I still get the chills thinking about it. In the world of fashion disasters, it ranks right up there with the time Cher went to the Oscars (it doesn’t matter what year because the end result was always the same: freakish). Of course it really could have been a brilliant defensive move for the team. See if the other team was to become physically ill when being forced to watch them surely the opposing teams playing would suffer. And can you imagine being an opposing batter? Just looking at those jerseys had to make their eyes twitch affecting their hitting in the process. Hmmm, no wonder Nolan Ryan was so good.

Keep this in mind: older does not necessarily mean wiser. In the rush for baseball to expand the number of teams, they gave little thought to the poor players who would have to wear the uniforms. The Colorado Rockies are passable despite the fact they wear purple and look like Barney when they are on the road, but the Arizona Diamondbacks didn’t get the memo on choosing colors that actually go together. They may as well closed their eyes and picked random colors from a wheel. No one over the age of 12 would put light purple and aqua together on the same jersey. And to make matters worse, they have purple pinstripes! Not exactly a classic in the making. They obviously weren’t thinking in terms of classics in Tampa Bay either. Otherwise they would have never put the ode to the rainbow coalition stingray on their jerseys. I know its Florida, but its not like they play on Miami Beach.

Another disturbing trend in uniforms is the new sleeveless look. This one I really don’t understand. They have sleeveless shirts but always wear t-shirts underneath them. If it was a question of it being comfortable and more athletically functional I could deal with it. But if that were the case then all the other teams would have adopted those jerseys. To me it’s just another sad attempt to update the uniform in order to sell more merchandise. If Major League Baseball wants to tweak uniforms here or there, that’s fine, but there are limits to keep in mind and having a promotional day to make modern day ball players wear ‘futuristic’ uniforms crossed the line by about 100 yards. If I never see those ungodly things again it will be too soon.

In fashion there are always the classics. These are items that are timeless and never go out of style. Very few teams have been around for almost an entire century and managed to have classy uniforms during their whole existence. The Red Sox and (as much as I’d hate to admit it) the Yankees have followed the rules of classic fashion. A hundred years from now the chances that a Red Sox cap will basically look the same stands a far better chance than that of the Milwaukee Brewers’. The Yankees have become synonymous with their uniforms. The media often refers to players as ‘putting on the pinstripes’ when referring to the Yankees, automatically conjuring up all the people that have ever worn their home uniforms. Not to mention that the navy pinstripes are a portly player’s dream. After all, horizontal stripes are very slimming.

The Red Sox are a perfect example of a team that has managed to avoid many of the wardrobe pitfalls over the last hundred years. But as with anything there are always exceptions. Probably the biggest of these exceptions was the unsightly gaffe of the 70s era uniform. This consisted of forgoing the button down jersey in favor of a pullover v-neck (this is surprising considering it was probably very difficult to pull those shirts over the numerous afros sported back then). To add insult to injury they couple the jersey with high, red and blue colored waist bands that would make a 70-year-old golfer proud. Thankfully they came to their senses and reverted back to the old style, rendering it the only major change made in the last seven or eight decades. Just to put it in perspective, it was major news a few years ago when the team added the players last names to the back of their jerseys and changed the ‘Boston’ from red to blue. Considering the city’s fear of change (hello? Fenway?) the likelihood that the uniforms will go through a major metamorphosis is about as likely as Guapo saying “No mas!” at a barbeque, which is okay with me. I’d rather be consistent than garishly freaky.

All in all baseball and its wardrobe have had their moments of laughter (Chicago White Sox jerseys with Vegas-Elvis style collars), tears (my eyes hurt just thinking about those Houston uniforms), and pride (does a Red Sox uniform ever look bad?). Hopefully those teams that are currently on Joan River’s hit list will soon learn from their mistakes and join the hall of fame of fashion.