Living In Bliss
For those of you that have been complaining that I haven’t written all off-season, my only excuse I can offer is my state of utter bliss. Damned happiness!
My whole existence (including this webpage) was built on the fact that I needed an outlet to whine, complain, and curse about my boys in order to keep my ulcer from returning. After October I was left feeling….happy (gasp)! I still don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t been consumed this off-season with the usual feelings of bitterness at last season and hopeful thoughts of next season. I didn’t have to once feel compelled to stab the moron who thought saying “Maybe Next Year” would cheer me up. My biggest problem this off-season is finding a replica jersey with the World Series Champs patch at a reasonable price so that I don’t have to sell a kidney. What the hell! I don’t know how to live like this! My one saving grace is that although I thought I could let my boys mail it in for the next decade or so and be ok with it after reveling in the first world championship in 86 years, it turns out that was a bigger lie than MLB saying they don’t condone steroids. If anything my hunger for winning has increased ten fold. I’m like a crack addict now….I’m actually starved for the scent of boiled wieners and stale beer. I’m on the web trying to find out how early the Cask opens on opening day. I start shaking in anticipation of a regular season game. Dear god, this may kill me.
But any-who….so I’ve never looked more forward to an opening day at Fenway in my life. Its against the Yankees, we’re raising the CHAMPIONSHIP banner, the boys are finally getting their bling-bling, and we can finally chant “Yankees Suck!” with truth and gusto! Heeee-hehehehehehe. I haven’t been this excited since the Darth Tater came out! Really, its like Christmas, Easter and Hanukah all wrapped up into one…Mazltov! I can almost here the music now….”we are the champions, we are the champions, no time for losers…..”
With a new season comes new players…. and the dearly departed. First a moment for those we’ve lost….Cabrerra (the man who made us go “Nomar who?”), Lowe…you got the wins in the playoffs but like a milk approaching its expiration date, you were bound to go off, its just a matter of time…..Pedro…..uh, bye…..Manktiekvich, I’d like the ball back now. And now onto the newbies! Um frankly I don’t know a lot about any of them, besides I don’t like to judge until they screw up. Now more importantly HOW THE HELL are Kim and Mendoza still on the team?!?!?!?! They pitched like a combined 7 innings last year. On the bright side, after months of panic, Veritek was finally signed and officially made captain of kicking A-Rod’s pansy-ass. All is right with the world….sort of.
I’m not going to lie, the correlation of the world series win, a handful of natural disasters including a massive tsunami, and freakish weather patterns causing record snowfall on the east coast and mudslides on the west coast has me a little on edge. I always thought that the Red Sox winning would lead apocalypse, but right now we’re one plague and a crap-load of locusts away from the four horsemen. I haven’t been this creeped out since I saw “The Ring” and got a bloody nose.
Is it possible to will warm weather to come? Really, its not just longing for the perfect day game in May at Fenway with nothing but a few wispy clouds in the sky and the perfect temp of 75 degrees and no humidity (sure, by then I’ll be doped up on Clariten in prime allergy season suffering with itchy red eyes, scratchy throat that compliments my wheezing. Ever hear of ‘selective hearing’? I have selective visualizations).
The Patriots have won the Super Bowl for the 3rd time in 4 years…..back in ’86 did you ever think you’d hear the word ‘Dynasty’ and ‘Patriots’ in the same sentence? All this winning almost makes me so happy I keep forgetting that I need to ask for a refund on the Big Dig from the state of Massachusetts. I want my tax dollars back Bee-atch!
Baseball’s dirty little secret is finally out; of course it was as much a secret as the ending of “The Crying Game”. Baseball is finally doing something about a problem that’s been around for decades that other sports have banned for decades. Why now? Why not when it was clearly evident during the home run race in the late 90’s when McGuire and Sosa’s biceps were the size of mid-summer watermelons? Because it got fans back in the seats after a damaging strike, that’s why. So if it benefits major league baseball its ok. After the hearings 2 things were crystal clear: McGuire is guilty as sin and the real shame is that a bonehead, cheating loser is making money off the whole thing. Oh and for anyone who thinks Bonds hasn’t done steroids, check out the episode of 90210 where Steve and his dad play Barry and his dad in golf, then come talk to me! Head size then: normal. Head size now: size of over inflated tire.
Well until April 3rd at 8:30pm on ESPN2, I will be biting my nails worrying about the current pitching staff, in particular Curt’s ankle, trying to figure out how much 12 hours at the Cask the following Monday will cost and waiting with baited breath to sing “We Are The Champions” at the top of my lungs.
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