Are You F*@%KING KIDDING Me?
A HALF a GAME?!?!?!?! What the F$*#K! Apparently the next 86-year drought is ready to begin.
For the first time in recent memory my boys held a solid lead in the AL East, hovering around four or five games ahead of the Yankees for months, that’s right I said MONTHS! Now with 10 frickin’ games left in the season we lost a ½ game lead over them and risk not only losing the division lead but may miss the playoffs all together because not only are we behind them by ½ a game but we’re in back of the wild card a full game. Sonsof bitchesformakingmecareallfrickinsummerlong. The last three games of the season are at home against the Yankees. After a summer free of ailments, I can see the bleeding ulcers and migraines on the horizon.
They’ve managed to put me in such a state of despair that I sat there knitting (don’t even start, it’s a hobby that keeps me from smoking and killing people). That I wondered if I could knit a snazzy noose and contemplated the height needed to sufficiently strangle myself when the Red sox miss the playoffs. I also wondered if when I go to the 3rd to last and last Yankees games if knitting needles could be considered a deadly weapon. No reason, just wondering. You saw nothing. This also led me to think of more fittingly dramatic and painful ways to fully capture the humiliation of being the most hyped World Champions this century and not being able to reach the playoffs the next year. I have come up with the following:
- Continually ramming my head into a brick wall enough to cause damage but not unconsciousness.
- Being bound to a chair with my eyes taped open and forced to watch Britney and Kevin’s Chaotic on a continuous loop until all sense of time and reality are lost.
- Have a conversation with Paris Hilton
- Listen to FOX announcers continually refer to Bronson Arroyo as ‘Brandon’
- Tie a TV to the ceiling with inadequate twine, place my foot under it and wait to see how long before it drops.
- Working 10 years for my company
- Not ever finding out what’s in the hatch in Lost
- Dull toothpicks inserted in my eyes
…well you get the point. I’m going to go measure some ceiling beams now.
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