Why I'd Make A Damned Fine GM
What? Could I be any worse than Dan Duquette? Besides, I'd work for beer and weiners....
Name: redsoxchickie
Address: Fenway Park, satellite office located at Cask n’ Flagon
Education:
Bachelor’s of Arts majoring in Mass Communications, Minor in Long Island Iced Teas – Suffolk University, where after spending approx $50K they told me the month before I graduated I’d never get a job in my field. Alumni contributions to date: $0K
Objective:
Own and run Red Sox Organization, Reform the Catholic Church, and eventual World Domination
Work Experience:
Redsox Fan – 1975 to Present
- Spent countless hours following inept moves by past GMs and owners to compile a database of dumb moves I’ll never make
- Increased Red Sox Organization revenue on a yearly basis by investing in numerous overpriced tickets annually
- Increased revenue in Fenway neighborhood by making high volume beverage purchases at local establishments
- Conducted interpersonal communication with players on the field
- Established free advertising for the Red Sox organization through apparel purchases and exposing said apparel in high traffic areas such as Fenway Park
- Have correctly called every washed-up player signed to multi-million dollar contracts by Red Sox organization that would fail miserably and eat payroll for the last two decades
- Survived 1986 and 2003 seasons with minimal psychological impairment
- Have conducted several investigations to uncover Steinbrenner is Satan, Clemens is the Anti-christ and the Yankees are Hell’s minions
Red Sox Stalker – 1997 to Present
- Upon completion of educational degree was able to commit full time attention to player obsession
- Increased organization charitable contributions in 2003 by spending $200 to have unrestricted access to players
- Touched Veritek, Wakefield, and Nixon
- Have managed to elude imprisonment despite violating player’s restraining orders
- Established and maintained an unbiased forum of discussion of the Red Sox on redsoxchickie.com since 2001
Related Experience:
- Accounting: Can understand budgets and how to exceed them
- Retail: Know how to purchase high quality merchandise at low, low prices through use of coupons, end of season sales, and pointing out insignificant flaws in merchandise for a price reduction. Ex. I could get a Cy Young pitcher for pennies on the dollar by planting a rumor that he has ‘attitude issues’ and a ‘cranky shoulder’.
- Management: Have been trained to treat employees with dignity and respect, and to liquor them up before you fire them.
- Communications: As long as said communications do not take place directly at a ballplayer I could talk a catholic priest into atheism
Skills:
Ability to multi-task, argue effectively, use sarcasm for good and evil, pretend I’m working on something important at work while updating my website, be right about everything, and kick ass while taking no prisoners
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