Dear Santa,
Santa, we need to talk.....
I've been a good girl all year (well except for a couple days here or there but like a good Kennedy I made sure there's no pictures to prove it). I've tried to keep the list to the bare essentials for 2005:
- I want Theo back! The Grinch aka Lucchino drove my future husband away and now no one will be our GM. Sure, Theo is now coming back in a "consulting role", but could you just give me a heads up as to whether this is a ploy to keep the wonderboy handy until they drive Lucchino out? Come on, tell me....I swear I won't tell a soul!
- No more ugly people ringing the Salvation Army bell outside stores. This may sound harsh but marketing wise it doesn't make a lot of sense to get ugly, grungy, people (and they are ALL got hit with the ugly stick) to ask for donations. You could increase donations ten fold if you get attractive models to volunteer their time to solicit. I'd be a lot more willing to throw a 10 spot in the red bucket if a hottie, Sawyer from Lost-type guy were ringing my bell.....(wow, I just realized how horribly shallow I am, I'm SO going to Hell)
- 5 starting pitchers....that want to be here and weigh less than 300 lbs.
- An infield that's remotely recognizable, so far I believe we have 2 third basemen, no shortstop, 1 or 2 second basemen and no first baseman. Out of that total, none were on the team for the complete season last year.
- Either a clueless left fielder or Jesus in center...I'm under no delusion that we can have both but I'd like to keep just one...see I'm a giver!
- An explanation as to why Furbys are so damned ugly. I'd also like to point out they're basically a rip off of Gizmo from "Gremlins" but with wings....and those damn eyes follow you.
- Mother Nature to take a vacation, no tsunamis, hurricanes, mudslides, tornadoes, earthquakes, floods or freak blizzards for at least 6 months, we need some time to recoup so that we can build stuff for her to destroy next time. One more natural disaster and I'm going to Home Depot with my "How to Build an Ark for Dummies" book.
- First peek at the Yankees starting line-up to see how they've suddenly "trimmed down" now that the steroid policy call for a 50 game suspension for a first time offense...hehehehehehe, I can't wait until spring training! They're all gonna look like shriveled thanksgiving day balloons!
- A lifetime supply of Dunkies coffee and gasoline....this is now literally worth more to me than gold.
- To be able to go to a baseball game for less than a $100 per visit. Seriously, its $47 for my ticket, dinner before (with beverages) $35, parking $2 (wouldn't you like to know :P), Snack inside the park (with beverages, and buy 'snack' I mean beverages) $27, dunkies for the ride home...priceless. That's it! I'm putting a keg under my shirt and telling security I'm pregnant!
- To win the lottery, I'm not greedy like those people who want to win the 247 million jackpots, I could live quite nicely on a mere $100 million.
- All the answers to all the questions on Lost....this show is fricking killing me!
- Parents to NOT buy their kids under the age of 16 a $300 iPod, there's no need! If I see a ten year old walking around with an iPod, I'm gonna rip it off his head and tell him when he's old enough to pay taxes THEN he should have something more expensive than a car payment!
Yeah so that pretty much does it for this year, Santa. I think I kept my list pretty reasonable, now hook-up me up bee-atch!
Your favorite, slightly mentally unbalanced stalker :)
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