Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

It’s April and its only the first game of about 387 they play against each other this year and yet my ulcer is already flaring!

I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous…We haven’t been able to get men in scoring position home to save our lives in the last week. Our pitchers have been giving up home runs like hoochies from Saugus. I can only hope that they’ve finally gotten it out of their system and plan to wage an all out assault of humiliation in the next two games by running up the score and making their members of Steroids Anonymous look like they’re from the Perkins School for the Blind. I had little hope until I found out today that they traded to get Mirabelli back, clearly the only man on the planet that can somehow catch Wakefeild’s knuckleball…and we screwed Steinbrenner out of getting him to boot! Seriously, how evil would that have been if Steinbrenner bought Mirabelli just to hide him in the minors so we couldn’t get him? It’s the equivalent of a 5 year old breaking a toy so no one else can use it. Jackass.

Now you have to wonder what the negotiations with the Padres were like. Did Theo try to hardball them, hoping they hadn’t heard of our predicament? Or was he like, “we’ll give you cash, players, ANYTHING!” Did Wakefield throw in part of his salary and his first-born? Oh, to be a fly on the wall…

I think now is a good time to review the rules for viewing a Yankees/Sox game.

1. Do not call me…short of calling to give a Howard Cosell worthy play by play of a bench clearing brawl where even the bat boys are bitch slapping each other, I have no need or want to hear anything you have to say. If you’re lay bleeding on the side of the road I will still hang up on you because you were stupid enough to call me instead of 911. If you insist on calling me, I will seek retribution by calling you every fifteen minutes from 2am to 5am on random days for a week.

2. Make sure there’s liquor in the house. If the game goes bad you won’t want to remember it anyway, so martini induced amnesia is warranted and perfectly acceptable.

3. Get comfortable. If you’re as superstitious as me, and we’re clinging to a one run lead you’d let your house burn on top of you rather than get up and leave the room, because of they loose it’ll be ALL YOU FAULT! You also may want to invest in some Depends for this purpose.

4. Tivo was made by the gods. Whatever else is on TV, it can be Tivo’d. Watch at 3am that same day, it doesn’t matter because the game takes precedence over everything else on television. Hell, I’m Tivo-ing 24 and American Idol so I can watch the game, ‘cause you never know when A-Rod may finally express his repressed sexual feelings toward Jeter…

5. And finally…. Pray!