Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

Red Sox centerfielder Coco Crisp was almost fatally injured Sunday in a near fatal collision with the Seattle Mariners mascot the Mariner Moose, who was driving a 4 wheel ATV. The preliminary investigation has revealed that the Moose was driving at excessive speeds with a suspended license due to a prior DUI.

Toxicology results are pending but the Moose had been seen in the company of Britney Spears at a local hotspot drinking Red Bulls and Vodkas over the weekend and eyewitnesses say a white powdery substance was seen falling out of the Moose’s pocket when he left the vehicle before authorities arrived. No motive was given for the attack but a link between the Moose and Mike “Moose” Mussina of the Yankees is being scrutinized.

This most recent incident is just the latest in the disturbingly increasing trend of MLB mascots gone wild. The beginning of this trend started in Milwaukee at the Brewers ballpark during the nightly Sausage Race. Let’s face it Brewers, racing Sausages and baseball bats…tragedy was inevitable. In 2003, a visiting Pittsburg Pirates player swung a bat at the racing Italian Sausage causing the Italian Sausage to fall violently and resulted in the Hot Dog also falling down. But in a great show of sportsmanship, the Polish Sausage helped the Hot Dog up, knowing he would lose the race by doing so. Though the Italian Sausage escaped major injury, the Pirates player, insisting the attack was not racially motivated and in fact loves most Italian cuisine, was arrested and charged with assault. Charges were eventually dropped but the player did serve a 3 game suspension per MLB…no seriously, he really did. Granted this was a clear cut case of Mascot abuse by a baseball player, but now it seems Mascots have since struck back.

In the longest running feud since the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, Raymond the Ray and Wally the Green Monster have escalated their rivalry to epic proportions over recent years. What started as a friendly verbal back and forth between Raymond and Wally, often intervened by Red sox broadcaster Jerry Remy who had attempted to diffuse the tension by acting as a mediator, has escalated to a disturbing display of violence on Raymond’s part and has now included his startling attacks on Remy and Don Orsillo. In the past two seasons, Raymond has performed a mock hanging of Wally, a grotesque mock wrestling match against what can only be described as a voodoo effigy of Wally and even followed Wally to his home at Fenway Park in violation of local anti-stalking laws. But the most recent and frightening event was when Raymond ran over not only a doll in Wally’s likeness in an ATV but also crushed a souvenir bobble-head set of Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo on the same night on the Devil Rays field in front of men, women and children as they looked on in horror. Who is issuing these driving permits? MLB never took any sanctions against Raymond who continues to terrorize both Wally and the NESN announcers, though restraining orders are pending. As of press time, calls to Bud Selig’s office regarding his lack of action were not returned. It’s assumed he has lock jaw from clenching his teeth after Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron’s home run record last night.

The most recent incident was perhaps the most dangerous incident to date. It happened this afternoon when the Mariner Moose, in his speeding ATV almost ended Coco Crisp’s career when he careened out of control in front of the Red Sox dugout and almost ran over Cocoas he tried to take his position on the field. Coco, fortunately, was able to use his natural agility to narrowly miss a head on collision managing to only roll over the tail end of the ATV and escape uninjured. Manny Ramirez had hit a home run earlier in the game and was seen in the dugout celebrating by acting like a charging bull versus the bull’s arch nemesis, the matador. One HAS to look at the possibility that the Moose’s actions was an act of Pedro-esque retribution on a perceived slight against The Moose’s close cousin, the Chicago Bull, a member of the NBA mascot union.

No matter the motive, MLB clearly needs to look at the behavior of their young Mascots like Raymond and the Mariner Moose, which have been thrust into the limelight at such a young age. Some of these Mascots lack the family structure to keep them from the temptation of celebrity while some mascots, like Wally, Mr. Baseball and others have managed to navigate the pitfalls of mascot stardom; others seem to be drawn into a world of reckless behavior. One can only hope that Bud Selig and Major League Baseball will step in before one of these mascot attacks turn fatal.

*some facts were supplied by Wikipedia and if its on Wikipedia, it HAS to be true :P

**A Fox News special is reportedly in the works regarding this subject: “When Mascots Attack” to be narrated by Joe “My Daddy Got Me This Job” Buck.