Redsoxchickie: Just This Side of Stalking

A must have guide for anyone brave enough to marry a Red Sox fan.

1. Always root for the home team:

In case you haven’t figured this one out, the home team will always be the Red Sox. They could be playing in the jungles of the Philippines and they would be the home team. If you were born in Arizona, Montana, or (gasp!) New York, and you are now living in Massachusetts, the Red Sox are you’re home team. For a born and bred Red Sox fan there is no other choice of teams. So if you’ve transplanted yourself from the nether regions of the United States and you plan on marrying a Boston native, you better get used to rooting for the Red Sox. If your hometown team comes to town and you’ve followed them your whole life, forget about it even daring to mention that your hometown team might be better than the Red Sox, because that will open up a whole can of whoop-ass you are definitely not ready for. If you ever find yourself in this situation the only appropriate statement to come from your lips is “Oh look, the Indians are in town! I remember watching them when I was growing up. Too bad the Red Sox will slaughter them, but it’ll be fun to watch”. This will provide the reassurance to your intended that your heart lies with her favorite team.

2. Know What You’re Talking About

This is one case where ignorance is definitely not bliss. The only thing that can annoy a Red Sox fan more than when someone brings up Game 6 is someone who doesn’t know what they are talking about. There’s always that one person who claims to know everything about baseball, but when confronted with a question such as “What are the Red Sox 3 major problems in their defensive approach?” they start stuttering like Elmer Fud. We don’t mind people who admit that they don’t know a lot about the game; after all, admitting it is the first step. We are more than willing to school people about the game, and often have fun trying to explain all the rules. But if you say something like “Wow, those Devil Rays are really in the race for the pennant this year.” Be prepared for your own tailor made version of “Smackdown”.

3. Be Supportive

Every year that the Red Sox do not win the World Series brings a little more pain to the heart of a Red Sox fan. Therefore, if the Red Sox, god forbid, lose the pennant race, make sure you are there for her. She will be grieving. This will be an especially painful time full of doubts and regrets, but if you are there for her you can pull her through. You may have to whether quite a storm before you get there though. Things might be thrown across the room in frustration, but rest assured that it’s not about you; it’s about the decades of disappointment. Just as long as you do not utter the words “There’s always next year...” you’ll be safe.

4. Take It Seriously

Every pitch, every pop-up, and every run counts in baseball. A game could be determined by the flick of a wrist. A true Red Sox fan knows that no lead in a baseball game is a safe one short of a 20 run lead in the 9th and even then there’s still a wince if the opposing team gets on base. If you are intending to spend the rest of your life with a Red Sox fan, then get ready to deal with her being very intensely focused on the television set for an average of 3 hours every night. Do not talk about work, or what your plans for the weekend are unless asked. Because if you happen to take her focus off the game long enough for the game winning homer to go out of left field in the bottom of the 18th and she misses it, its gonna get uglier than Dante Bichette’s team photo.

5. Pedro is God and Clemens is Evil Incarnate

Every season the perennial question comes up. “Who’s the better pitcher, Pedro or Clemens?” This is a no-brainer. It’s Pedro, hands down. Know this, memorize this and live this statement. All Red Sox fans harbor ill feelings towards Clemens. Yes, he did play so of the finest games in baseball while in a Boston uniform. The problem with Clemens was he was an asshole to the media, fans and everyone who came into contact with him and then committed the carnal sin of bad mouthing Boston when he left. Wrong move buddy. This left all female fan feeling scorned and trust me there’s nothing like a female Red Sox fan scorned. It lies somewhere between the kiss of death in the mafia and being deported for treason. Pedro on the other hand has it right; he is almost always pleasant, works the media like a PR agent and flashes a smile that would melt the heart of every woman in the New England area in the middle of a January Nor’easter. We are very protective of Pedro and love him and will fight anyone who dares to disparage his name. The only reason we would go near Clemens is to beat the living tar out of him. Pedro is our boy.

6. Agree With Everything

If your betrothed says the last pitch from Pedro was a strike, short of landing in the front row behind the plate, it was. If the opposing player on first is more than a millimeter away from the bag when the tag was applied, he was out by a mile. It’s a simple rule. The Red Sox fan is always right. Everyone knows that Boston fans are some of the most well schooled baseball fanatics in the country. My one-year-old niece could probably call the difference between a ball and a strike if she could say the words. So if she says the ump made a lousy call, agree with every fiber of your being. You do not want to second-guess an armchair expert in this game; it can only end in tragedy. If you dare to contradict such a statement by her, you run the risk of a heated argument and before you know it you are being served divorce papers at your room in the Ferns Motel on Route 1.

7. Ignore the Catcalls and Other Vulgarities

When a group of women get together to watch a ballgame, things can get slightly unruly, much the same way a group of men can get out of hand at a strip club. If these women are well-learned fans they will begin by having a calm discussion about the value of one player’s contributions to the team as opposed to another. At the mid-point of the game the yelling commences. Foul language will be used when an ump makes a lousy call and if there is a blown opportunity on the Red Sox part there will be a barrage of obscenities that would make Larry Flynt blush. And by the end of the game, regardless of the outcome, a discussion will eventually take place on which players would be better in bed. If you must be present for one of these get-togethers, run for the hills, put a pillow over your head, stuff cotton balls in your ears. This ‘Sex in the City’ meets ‘ESPN’ moment will only last the length of the game, and I’m sure would pale in comparison to anything seen or heard at a bachelor party you’ve attended in the past.

When it’s just you and her watching the game, be prepared to hear this like “Wow, he’s built!” or “Look at how tight his uniform is!” These comments are generally sprinkled throughout the game and are completely harmless. Think of it as her appreciation of the male form in action, much like going to the museum and appreciating Michelangelo’s David. OK, so this is a stretch and if you said anything like that while watching an actress or model on TV, you’d probably be on the receiving end of a smack upside the head, but the fact remains she will occasionally do this. The bonus side is she’s with you, not the ball player on the field and she knows it’s a million in one shot to ever even meet a professional baseball player, much less marry one.

8. The Yankees Suck – No Matter What

If you were born and raised in New York City, a real baseball fan can appreciate the fact that you will love that team. After all, the only city even closely obsessed by baseball as much as Boston is New York. HOWEVER, this is not a license to gloat about how many championships your team has won since 1918. Boston fans are bitter, plain and simple. We’ve been waiting over 80 years to win the damn thing so you’ll excuse us if we don’t want to hear it from you. So if you are a Yankees fan, just keep your mouth shut. You can follow their progress through the season as long as you do it silently reading the box scores in the Herald or casually flip to CNN and read the bottom of the screen. Any signs of jubilation at their winning will be considered an immediate act of war. You will not only be shunned, but could potentially become familiar with the term “with-holding”. In the event of a Red Sox Yankees playoff series, you have 2 options: either go on week and a half long vacation to see your relatives in New York to watch the games or sit next to your loved one with a Yankees Suck shirt on for 9 innings every night.

9. Nothing Says, “I Love You” Like Playoff Tickets

If you want to be her hero do absolutely anything to get you hands on a pair of Red Sox Playoff tickets. It doesn’t matter if you have to spend all night sleeping on Lansdowne Street, with two cell phone propped up to each ear with your thumbs on redial, next to Bob, the beer-bellied freak, you must get these tickets. This will guarantee months of marital bliss. So really it’s a win-win situation.

10. You’re Children Will be Raised Red Sox Fans

If you and the wifey put forth children on this planet, get used to the fact that they will be raised Red Sox Fans. Even if you move to New Mexico, your children will be regaled with the tales of Red Sox seasons past. There will mythological tellings of the time Pedro came into the playoff game against Cleveland to pitch relief in order for us to win the game. Bedtime stories will be yarns of how Manny hit a homer off the light tower, and how Veritek broke an elbow going after a foul pop-up and why that made him the best catcher ever. So start knitting little red booties, because you’re going to need them.

If you follow these 10 simple rules you will ensure yourself, if not the team, a winning season every year.